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| God is incredible.
I am so very thankful for everything in my life right now. Although life is extremely stressful, all I can think of is how much Jesus loves me. And how he shows his love for me through everyone around me.
Thank you Lord for my life. And thanks for being my joy.
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| Life has been hard lately, especially after alex's dad died. school is so busy and crazy, and work is a time eater.. but since alex's dad died and we went to be with his family in texas, i have really started to understand two really cool things.
1. Being selfless hurts, but theres nothing better.
When we were in texas, i tried my hardest to find my strength in god and be the biggest help to everyone around me. i kept quiet when i wanted to scream, i slept on the floor even though my back was killing me. i stayed in the apartment watching movies with his little sisters and going to the mall every day, 5 days in a row. i was hugged on, cried on, and presented myself ready to serve the family. and it wasnt fun or easy or a generally enjoyable time in my life, but god totally shined through the whole week. i would have never been even nearly that selfless if it werent for Him. i'm not good at being selfless, who wants to feel walked all over and forgotten about?! not me. but somehow god used me to be there to support a family during a tragic time...which leads me to my next point.
2. when people love you, they pray...and it helps!
Most of the time, most days, i knew that the only reason i was capable of standing was because of everyone back home praying. i had a friend that called me at least once a day to leave an encouraging voicemail, and i know that god was using her to support me, to support alex and his family. just about everyone i knew back home was praying for us. people cried with us in pain and anger and hurt. and god was with us through it all. I am in a christian sorority, and one of my best friends told the girls what happened, and they collected money to help alex. they prayed for him daily, most of them havent even met him! but they knew that one of their brothers in christ was in serious pain, so they gathered around him in support and love. the 30ish of them gave out of the love in their hearts and gave alex $400. if that doesnt show you people acting out christs love, i'm not sure what does.
in a time of deep and severe hurt, our friends, professors, church members, friends of friends, friends of church members, family, and so many other people that we dont even know surrounded us with an incredible love that kept us sane and functioning. god showed us His love through everyone around us, and because of this, we are kept strong. | | |
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so i am laying here in my bed, thinking of all the things i've done wrong. i should have said that, i could have done this. the more i think the more upset i become. i am upset at myself for messing up so frequently. for being so rude, hateful, making mountains out of 2 flecks of dust. i compare myself to other women, ones that i know and lots that i'll never meet. i try and fix my relationship with my boyfriend and expect perfection out of it. i never think i'm good enough, but i talk about other people like i am better than. i am a very sensitive person, my feelings get hurt pretty easily. i am having a really hard time lately accepting the fact that i am human and i am going to mess up a lot. i cant help it. i am imperfect and make mistakes, every hour of every day. my life isnt perfect and it never will be. surface happiness fades and reality sets in. being alone in my room at night is the worst part of my day because i have to face reality. theres nothing but me, my thoughts, my prayers, my regrets, and god. i want so badly to fix everything and make it perfect, ignoring the fact that i'll never be able to achieve it. constant disappointment.
and then when i reflect on how bad i am feeling, i feel even worse because i know my situation is way less dramatic or hurtful than others. then i focus on how petty i am and spend time trying to figure out how to change it.
i wonder if i'll ever get to the point where i accept that i have flaws and messups...not to the point of apathy, but just contentment with being a human. an imperfect person that will screw up. a lot. | | |
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i'm tired.
but looking on the bright side, dont worry. :) | | |
| today i was with a group of people and i realized something. i realized that it has been quite a while since the last time i walked into a room and tried to find a woman less attractive than myself to make me feel better. i used to be so insecure that i would make sure and also find a woman larger than me to make sure that people werent thinking that i was the fattest one there. at the time this all made sense in my mind but now it just sounds so shallow and stupid. which is exactly what it is. and i am glad that i am at a place in my life where i can feel good in my own skin. i am neither fat nor undesireable. why is that so hard to accept for so many women including myself?
i am tired of being told what to look like and how to feel about what i look like. whenever i am looking at pictures with a group of girls, they pretty much always take turns criticizing themselves. and when they turn to me for my input i say something good about myself and they act like that is such a bad thing. like i am really prideful or something. i may not be the most beautiful person in the world, but that doesnt mean that i should constantly treat myself like the most disgusting creature ever.
sometimes i wish i could write a letter to my 13 year old self. i want to tell 8th grade mackenzie to stay strong, things will get better. you will find yourself soon. your hurt feelings will heal. you will stop thinking about ricky telling you youre fat. you will move on from being kicked by brandon and nick in science. you will do great things. you will fall in love. you will make it through high school and make lots of stupid decisions that will shape you. life gets better...sometimes i wish that i could have heard that from my older self when i was in middle school. i thought that i would never grow up. i thought that life would suck forever. i'm glad i was wrong.
i also wonder what my 30 year old self would tell me now. probably live in today, stop looking forward to the future. be where you are in this exact moment. enjoy college, dont wish yourself into graduation, marriage, family, etc. just live your life now and the rest will come. | | |
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